Leila Lou

Refine and Purify Me

Malachi 3:3 says: [God] "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this
statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to
the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch
him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond
her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it
heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the
middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the
impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought
again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire
the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he
had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver
was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you
know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's
easy - when I see my image in it."

I absolutely love this story! We go through trials and tribulations, but it is not in vain. Not a single blow can hit until the God of love sees fit. God is not allowing us to be thrown in the fire and turning his back while we suffer. He is sitting there holding us through the entire process it takes to refine and purify us. He's standing at the flames edge feeling the heat, feeling that stress and heart break right along with me. BUT He will not keep me in the fire a second too long. When He sees His image He is glorified.

"The pain God allows is never more than is absolutely necessary to prepare His beloved for the blessing He wants us to enjoy." -John MacArthur

"If you are at a place in your life where you feel like you can't take one step without the Lord's help, be glad. He has you where He wants you." -Stormie O'Martian

"God delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love." Psalms 147:11

trust

The story of Abraham and Issac...

I have heard it many many times. But this most recent time a couple weeks ago, my heart was opened up to a new side of this story. Sarah's side. Abraham was given a word from God to take his son and sacrifice him. Without hesitating Abraham took off early in the morning with Issac to begin is journey to the mountain God specified. I put myself in Sarah's shoes and my heart broke thinking what she must have thought. Its one thing to let go and trust God yourself, but Sarah was left trusting that her husband was hearing right from the Lord. If Nathan came home and told me God told him to take Leila and sacrifice her, I would honestly be ballistic. This showed me my lack of Trust in God and in my husband.

In Genesis 22 it does not talk about what Sarah was doing with this time it took Abraham and Issac to go to the mountain. But it states in vs. 4 "On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance." THIRD DAY.... It was probably a whole week that Sarah waited to hear back from Abraham. A whole week that she anticipated the sacrifice of her son. I can imagine Sarah on her face praying fiercely this entire time. Praying for her grief. Praying for her husband's grief. Praying for trust. Praying for her Son. Just being in constant prayer.

I'm working on that level of trust. Trust in our Lord. And Trusting my husband and his walk with the Lord.

To back up my prayers in trust...

Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord. For the Husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, hhis body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Psalms 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Psalms 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalms 112:7
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

princess leila

My precious little Princess is getting so big. Preparing for her first birthday come November. These are her 10  month photos. I'm one proud Mom!

wife

I was going through my phone the other day and finding old notes. Stumbled upon a quote by my childhood pastor's wife from a couple years ago.

 Speaking of her husband:
 "I knew he had a calling in his life from God, but I didn't' know how I fit into it." - Carol Johnson.


Her words really touched me because that she put my thoughts into words perfectly. It explained how I thought of my relationship with my husband. Nathan has always been an exceptional academic. Graduated over an 4.0 in high school and graduated Suma Cum Laude from Indiana Wesleyan University with a majors in Computer Software Engineer and Mathematics and a minor in Statics. I was there for the college years and experience his intelligence with the few classes we took together. I didn't excel in academics like he did. I didn't have the passion to learn and struggled throughout the 4 years. I am proud of his passion and dedication to continue learning. Since his education years are behind him he excelling in his career. After graduation he accepted a job at McDonalds corporate in the Computer Security position. Although, it wasn't in his field of study it was such a opportunity and he learned a lot about the world of business. After 8 months he was offered a job that was exactly what he wanted to do. Although it was a hard decision, Nathan quit McDonalds to pursue this new job. Nathan signed on to be a Computer Software Engineer for Comply 365 Solutions a company he interned for during college and did some contract work with before accepting this full time position.  After 2 years has been promoted to Lead Software Engineer - Web Team. I understand these are just words and titles and on a resume they look great, but Nathan has a calling on his career. Its goes beyond his title, at 25 years old he is very knowledgeable and professional. The way he presents himself is admirable. He is such a hard worker and a dedicated employee. He loves his job and that is such a blessing. Comply was a start up company a few years back, but it is constantly growing and Nathan is blessed to be apart of its growth and success.

Now how I fit into his career calling... well I always wanted to be a wife and and mom. I went to college to be a nurse, but per previous post I am a full time wife and mom now. My goals and aspirations are not academic or career based. My husbands are and I have figured out I fit into his calling by being his wife. My goals have basically been met, but now I am helping Nathan reach his goals. By being his helpmate. To support, encourage, and be at his side everyday. Each evening when he walks in the door, he gives me a kiss, gives Leila a kiss, and I ask how was your day?? I hear each and every story as he vents out his exciting days, his rough days, his busy days, stressful days, fun days, smooth days, etc. And I have learned how much I am supporting my husband just by listening to him (even sometimes the content goes over my head) :).

Nathan is just beginning his career at 25 years old. He has many more years before retirement. I am excited to see where God is going to take us as he continues to pursue his calling. Sometimes I feel like I am just along for the ride, but I am ok with that. :)

passionate about MY LOVE

marriage. gosh I LOVE marriage. I am passionate about it. It is my ministry. I grew up with parents that set the bar high for what a marriage should be like. I heard all my life about what makes a Godly marriage. I have heard the teachings from my Grandma since I was a young girl what a Godly wife is. My husband and I had such an awesome premarital lessons that helps us in our marriage. We did not have a rough FIRST YEAR. It was anything, but. I grew up on a church that was centered around strong marriages. With all this surrounding me when I was young how could I not be prepared.

When Nathan and I were married we were each others first priority. We both loved and respected equally. We learned how to communicate early on. I think part of that was spending some time long distance. Long distance relationships FORCE you to communicate. And I am already one that wears my emotions on my sleeve. I don't hold things in well. Communication is key. By constantly talking and conversing with Nathan we are on the same page. Sometimes we get off the same page and we regroup and remember we are on the same team. Well alot has changed in the 4 years we have been married. One, we moved to Illinois with no family around. Again, we were each others first priority. No body else got in the way of our relationship because essentially we were alone. Early on we knew how we were together and we knew that children would disrupt how much attention we can give each other. And with our daughter being 10 months old, we are seeing the adjustments we have had to make. 

Life is different now. We have another human being to raise. (We still wonder how we are being trusted with that task, when we still feel like kids ourselves). Nathan works. I stay at home with our daughter. My sole job is to be that wife and to be a mother. I give and give and give...its draining. But through communication with Nathan and going to the Lord in everything I find what I am looking for. But Nathan and I are learning so much about each other and about marriage that we feel like its a whole new relationship. We are having to learn new things about this stage in our marriage. We are having to figure out how to serve one another again. How to love one another again. Because life is different and we have different needs and desires then we did 4 years ago. I beginning to think this is going to be an on going thing for our forever marriage. Life is always changing and we have to adjust. And we are in this committed relationship so we will continue to work at our marriage and build in strong and continue to get stronger.

Kirsten Kaiser Photography

Key Marriage Lessons 

Probably have heard some, but maybe not all.

-  you CANNOT change a person

- you marry your spouse's family

-  never go to sleep angry

- greet each other when one returns home

- be together. find hobbies that both parties enjoy

- wives submit, but you're NOT a doormat

- wives you are his partner and you are at his side!

- talk all the time about everything

hailey fast photography

I have always loved taking pictures, but over the years I have really been encouraged to do something with this passion and hobby. For Christmas in 2010 Nathan gave me my first REAL camera. A Canon dslr...a beginners one :) Since then I have been trying to learn new things and shoot in different modes and not just the snap and shoot ones. I have also learned how to do some photo-shopping. I am by no means a professional and by no means GREAT. But I think this is a talent and I'm loving exploring this new hobby. Check out Hailey Fast Photography on facebook! :) Here is some of my work. PS my daughter is my favorite model :)

Leila Lou - 8 Months

Leila Lou - 8 Months

Leila Lou - 8 Months

Leila Lou - 9 Months

Leila Lou - 9 Months

Manon - Senior 2013

Manon - Senior 2013

Manon - Senior 2013

Manon - Senior 2013

Ashley and Paxton - May 2013

Ashley and Paxton - May 2013

Ashley and Paxton - May 2013

Fries Family - July 2013

Fries Family - July 2013

self inflicted pressures

I usually don't feel the pressure to conform to society pressures on women and moms. Like for instance breast feeding - I wasn't able to breast feed my daughter. I completely agree with all the reasons that breast feeding is the best. I wished I could have, but I haven't taken on the guilt that I couldn't or didn't. I don't feel the need to use cloth diapers. Although, I did make my own baby food for financial reasons the pressure is usually on the healthiness of processed food. I believe Gerber and Pampers have been around along time, they must be doing something right :) Using Gerber and Pampers made life simpler. I like simple and easy. I didn't feel the need to complicate my new role as a Mommy. But the one society pressure, that may not even be considered a common society pressure, is my guilt for not using my degree.

I graduated from a 4 year Christian University in May 2010 with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. Shortly after I passed the Registered Nurse state exam and became -  Hailey Fast BSN, RN sounds impressive! haha After graduation I applied to every available nursing position in my area. Including 5 hospitals, many clinics, school nursing jobs, etc. Although, I didn't have a strong desire to work in the hospital setting I applied to EVERY position available. After months and months of applying and following up on applications I had one interview. ONE! And it wasn't even at a hospital - it was for a school system to become the head nurse. My aunt was even in the interview (she worked for the school system), but I did NOT get the job. I did end up substitute nursing for the school system. They did like me, but they found a better candidate for that position. Looking back I am not sure I could have handled the position anyway. After months of feeling very defeated about not starting my career immediately after graduation especially when every one told me during nursing school, "you will never have trouble finding a job", my husband was offered a new position at a new company in Illinois. Once we agreed to the move, we realized it must have been God that I hadn't had a nursing position, because if I did the decision to move would have been much harder. We moved to Illinois May 2011 and I after applying to every position in that area I found a job at a Specialty Clinic and started July 2011. Again, I did apply to EVERY position in that area as well. Had 2 interviews and took the first offer I could get. Although, at this point I may have been desperate I was happy with the position. It was a Monday - Friday 8-5 type of job.

After working a little over a year I delivered our baby girl November 2012 and took my maternity leave. My husband and I always talked about me staying home with our kids. That was my dream since I was a little girl - I wanted to get married and have kids. So after adjusting our finances we made the decision for me to stay at home and be a full time Housewife and Mom.

I love my job now. I truly do. I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that my husband is able to provide for us and I am able to have this opportunity to raise our kids at home. So the plan for now is I am going to stay at home with our kids and go back to nursing when the kids are in school.

Now for my guilt and pressure. I feel guilty that I went to college for 4 years racked up thousands of dollars worth of debt (still paying off by the way) to get a degree I am not even using. And I only used for over a year. And I wasn't even in a hospital to get the REAL experience. I make fun of myself and claim I am only a fake nurse. I don't feel confident in nursing knowledge and I feel like people judge me for that. I have to speak away those thoughts and fight back my guilt routinely. And when I go through my cycles of guilt I have my husband that reminds me that my degree wasn't a waste. He never once complains that he is paying of my debt and I am not even using my degree. We have made our decisions together and like the way our life is right now. Nathan reminds me that I picked one of the best profession I could have for a mom. If I ever had to for financial reasons work, I could. It would be a compatible profession to raise kids. I still have this inner battle with myself over my guilt, but each time I am reminded that God has mapped out my life and He knows the plans he has for me.

He has my whole life planned and I need not to worry about what I'm not doing or what I didn't do. I kinda worry that when I do go to look for a nursing position years down the road, who is going to hire me with such little experience and it will have been years since I worked, but I let go of that fear and trust that God has it under control. So I pray that God will free me from the guilt for good and I can truly embrace my role as a Housewife and Mom and use my nursing knowledge on a daily basis in the home setting :)

finding strength in the chaos

Well right after I had "My First Post" life turned chaotic. I don't do chaotic. I am an introverted homebody. I like simple and easy. I like to be home and I like down time. I didn't get much down time recently. Over the past couple week I spent 3 days out of town. My husband spent the 3 days in conferences. He spent a total of 8 hours in the hotel we had for 2 nights. Leila and I were on our own. Then we came home and had company for 3 days. It was mostly my husband's company so he was entertaining and I was taking care of a stuffy-nosed baby (picked up some germs from being out of town). Then a family friend passed away. Leila and I traveled 3 hours to attend the funeral services and stay with my parents for the week. I caught a very nasty 24 hour flu at my parents and was in bed very sick, while my mom and sister took care of Leila. Still recovering from being sick - made it back home for the weekend, and am planning to leave tomorrow morning for a 10 hour road trip to another funeral. My husband's 90 year old Grandmother passed away over the weekend. Between the emotional pain from loving loved ones, being sick, taking care of a sick baby, being away from my husband, and just not stopping for 2 weeks I am tired. I am drained.

After the long 2 weeks we had - my homebody self was not looking forward to getting up yesterday morning for church. As our alarms were going off I knew my husband and I were both thinking the same thing...we should just stay in bed and relax because were gonna have a busy week ahead. In the end we got up and went to church. We have been attending Harvest Bible Chapel in Rockford, IL since January of this year. After living here for 2 years and trying several churches, we are happy to call Harvest our home.

Anyway, during worship I felt the holy spirit completely come over me and refresh my spirit. I needed to be fed and revived from my tough couple weeks. I needed a renewal leading into the next week. The worship band sang the song "Oceans (Where Feet Mail Fail)" by Hillsong United. 

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

The bolded verses I worshiped with my whole heart. I was completely aware of what I am asking of God. I am asking for him to take me deeper and stretch me to make my faith stronger! So even as I blog I am listening to this song on repeat, it is my theme song for the week ahead. I am going to be continued to be stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone, but I am asking for it now because I want to be made stronger in the presence of my Savior!!!

my first post

Confession: I have previously had negative feelings towards blogs and bloggers.

I have wondered - who do these people think they are? Why do they think what they have to say is so important. But for some reason (not sure why) I started to have a change of heart. I started researching why people start blogs or why I should start a blog. Read several articles titled like "Top 10 Reasons to Start a Blog" and "15 Reasons I Think You Should Blog" etc. And wala! change of heart - I understand people's reasoning behind blogs. I have a new found appreciation for bloggers. So I have come up with my top 5 reasons to start a blog.

1. I have thoughts.

I have thoughts about life. Life as a Woman of God. Life as a wife. Life as a Mom. etc. I know my thoughts and wisdom may not be important to everyone, but I have realized my thoughts and wisdom may be helpful to someone I haven't met yet. This is the perfect venue.

2. It with improve my writing.

I have written in several journals and usually when I go back and look at my entries its a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" - unreadable to me even. I would love for my thoughts and journal entries to be readable by my daughter and future children. I would like to leave them something behind with my thoughts and struggles in a readable format. I can't blog "mumbo jumbo"... I would be laughed at. So here is to improving my writing skills! Please be patient.

3. I will become a better thinker.

My husband and I laugh about topics we study and analyze. He is a pure intellectual - his thoughts usually go above my head, but he brings it back to my level. I study and analyze relationships and people.  Nathan informed me early on in our relationship that most of my conversations with my Mom are about people. We aren't talking bad or spreading gossip, but we are constantly thinking about our family and friends. We wonder why that happened, what is going in their, heads, what we think they should have said in that moment, how impressed we are with how they handled that issue, etc. I study people - I think about why people do what they do. What is their motive behind actions. I like to think my thoughts are good-natured, but lets be real I'm a born sinner. I'm hoping blogging and forming my thoughts into words will increase my thinking ability and open my eyes and convict me of my human flaws.

4. I will meet new people.

I live 3 hours away from my family. I am NOT an out going person. I am a Stay-at-Home-Mom. I am introvert. Its hard for me to meet friends. I Facebook and Instagram, but I'm hoping this opens the door to meeting new like minded friends.

5. It will push me out of routine.

I am HOPING this will help be live more a disciplined life. I am not setting high expectations for myself, but I want to keep my self accountable. I would hate to start a blog and post once and then never again. Nathan suggested disciplining myself to at least 1 post every 2 weeks and improve from there. Sometimes life gets mundane. As a stay at home mom living away from family it can really get you down. This my attempt to change that routine.

5 1/2. Let my fun begin.