self inflicted pressures

I usually don't feel the pressure to conform to society pressures on women and moms. Like for instance breast feeding - I wasn't able to breast feed my daughter. I completely agree with all the reasons that breast feeding is the best. I wished I could have, but I haven't taken on the guilt that I couldn't or didn't. I don't feel the need to use cloth diapers. Although, I did make my own baby food for financial reasons the pressure is usually on the healthiness of processed food. I believe Gerber and Pampers have been around along time, they must be doing something right :) Using Gerber and Pampers made life simpler. I like simple and easy. I didn't feel the need to complicate my new role as a Mommy. But the one society pressure, that may not even be considered a common society pressure, is my guilt for not using my degree.

I graduated from a 4 year Christian University in May 2010 with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. Shortly after I passed the Registered Nurse state exam and became -  Hailey Fast BSN, RN sounds impressive! haha After graduation I applied to every available nursing position in my area. Including 5 hospitals, many clinics, school nursing jobs, etc. Although, I didn't have a strong desire to work in the hospital setting I applied to EVERY position available. After months and months of applying and following up on applications I had one interview. ONE! And it wasn't even at a hospital - it was for a school system to become the head nurse. My aunt was even in the interview (she worked for the school system), but I did NOT get the job. I did end up substitute nursing for the school system. They did like me, but they found a better candidate for that position. Looking back I am not sure I could have handled the position anyway. After months of feeling very defeated about not starting my career immediately after graduation especially when every one told me during nursing school, "you will never have trouble finding a job", my husband was offered a new position at a new company in Illinois. Once we agreed to the move, we realized it must have been God that I hadn't had a nursing position, because if I did the decision to move would have been much harder. We moved to Illinois May 2011 and I after applying to every position in that area I found a job at a Specialty Clinic and started July 2011. Again, I did apply to EVERY position in that area as well. Had 2 interviews and took the first offer I could get. Although, at this point I may have been desperate I was happy with the position. It was a Monday - Friday 8-5 type of job.

After working a little over a year I delivered our baby girl November 2012 and took my maternity leave. My husband and I always talked about me staying home with our kids. That was my dream since I was a little girl - I wanted to get married and have kids. So after adjusting our finances we made the decision for me to stay at home and be a full time Housewife and Mom.

I love my job now. I truly do. I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that my husband is able to provide for us and I am able to have this opportunity to raise our kids at home. So the plan for now is I am going to stay at home with our kids and go back to nursing when the kids are in school.

Now for my guilt and pressure. I feel guilty that I went to college for 4 years racked up thousands of dollars worth of debt (still paying off by the way) to get a degree I am not even using. And I only used for over a year. And I wasn't even in a hospital to get the REAL experience. I make fun of myself and claim I am only a fake nurse. I don't feel confident in nursing knowledge and I feel like people judge me for that. I have to speak away those thoughts and fight back my guilt routinely. And when I go through my cycles of guilt I have my husband that reminds me that my degree wasn't a waste. He never once complains that he is paying of my debt and I am not even using my degree. We have made our decisions together and like the way our life is right now. Nathan reminds me that I picked one of the best profession I could have for a mom. If I ever had to for financial reasons work, I could. It would be a compatible profession to raise kids. I still have this inner battle with myself over my guilt, but each time I am reminded that God has mapped out my life and He knows the plans he has for me.

He has my whole life planned and I need not to worry about what I'm not doing or what I didn't do. I kinda worry that when I do go to look for a nursing position years down the road, who is going to hire me with such little experience and it will have been years since I worked, but I let go of that fear and trust that God has it under control. So I pray that God will free me from the guilt for good and I can truly embrace my role as a Housewife and Mom and use my nursing knowledge on a daily basis in the home setting :)