self inflicted pressures

I usually don't feel the pressure to conform to society pressures on women and moms. Like for instance breast feeding - I wasn't able to breast feed my daughter. I completely agree with all the reasons that breast feeding is the best. I wished I could have, but I haven't taken on the guilt that I couldn't or didn't. I don't feel the need to use cloth diapers. Although, I did make my own baby food for financial reasons the pressure is usually on the healthiness of processed food. I believe Gerber and Pampers have been around along time, they must be doing something right :) Using Gerber and Pampers made life simpler. I like simple and easy. I didn't feel the need to complicate my new role as a Mommy. But the one society pressure, that may not even be considered a common society pressure, is my guilt for not using my degree.

I graduated from a 4 year Christian University in May 2010 with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. Shortly after I passed the Registered Nurse state exam and became -  Hailey Fast BSN, RN sounds impressive! haha After graduation I applied to every available nursing position in my area. Including 5 hospitals, many clinics, school nursing jobs, etc. Although, I didn't have a strong desire to work in the hospital setting I applied to EVERY position available. After months and months of applying and following up on applications I had one interview. ONE! And it wasn't even at a hospital - it was for a school system to become the head nurse. My aunt was even in the interview (she worked for the school system), but I did NOT get the job. I did end up substitute nursing for the school system. They did like me, but they found a better candidate for that position. Looking back I am not sure I could have handled the position anyway. After months of feeling very defeated about not starting my career immediately after graduation especially when every one told me during nursing school, "you will never have trouble finding a job", my husband was offered a new position at a new company in Illinois. Once we agreed to the move, we realized it must have been God that I hadn't had a nursing position, because if I did the decision to move would have been much harder. We moved to Illinois May 2011 and I after applying to every position in that area I found a job at a Specialty Clinic and started July 2011. Again, I did apply to EVERY position in that area as well. Had 2 interviews and took the first offer I could get. Although, at this point I may have been desperate I was happy with the position. It was a Monday - Friday 8-5 type of job.

After working a little over a year I delivered our baby girl November 2012 and took my maternity leave. My husband and I always talked about me staying home with our kids. That was my dream since I was a little girl - I wanted to get married and have kids. So after adjusting our finances we made the decision for me to stay at home and be a full time Housewife and Mom.

I love my job now. I truly do. I am blessed to be able to do this. I am blessed that my husband is able to provide for us and I am able to have this opportunity to raise our kids at home. So the plan for now is I am going to stay at home with our kids and go back to nursing when the kids are in school.

Now for my guilt and pressure. I feel guilty that I went to college for 4 years racked up thousands of dollars worth of debt (still paying off by the way) to get a degree I am not even using. And I only used for over a year. And I wasn't even in a hospital to get the REAL experience. I make fun of myself and claim I am only a fake nurse. I don't feel confident in nursing knowledge and I feel like people judge me for that. I have to speak away those thoughts and fight back my guilt routinely. And when I go through my cycles of guilt I have my husband that reminds me that my degree wasn't a waste. He never once complains that he is paying of my debt and I am not even using my degree. We have made our decisions together and like the way our life is right now. Nathan reminds me that I picked one of the best profession I could have for a mom. If I ever had to for financial reasons work, I could. It would be a compatible profession to raise kids. I still have this inner battle with myself over my guilt, but each time I am reminded that God has mapped out my life and He knows the plans he has for me.

He has my whole life planned and I need not to worry about what I'm not doing or what I didn't do. I kinda worry that when I do go to look for a nursing position years down the road, who is going to hire me with such little experience and it will have been years since I worked, but I let go of that fear and trust that God has it under control. So I pray that God will free me from the guilt for good and I can truly embrace my role as a Housewife and Mom and use my nursing knowledge on a daily basis in the home setting :)

finding strength in the chaos

Well right after I had "My First Post" life turned chaotic. I don't do chaotic. I am an introverted homebody. I like simple and easy. I like to be home and I like down time. I didn't get much down time recently. Over the past couple week I spent 3 days out of town. My husband spent the 3 days in conferences. He spent a total of 8 hours in the hotel we had for 2 nights. Leila and I were on our own. Then we came home and had company for 3 days. It was mostly my husband's company so he was entertaining and I was taking care of a stuffy-nosed baby (picked up some germs from being out of town). Then a family friend passed away. Leila and I traveled 3 hours to attend the funeral services and stay with my parents for the week. I caught a very nasty 24 hour flu at my parents and was in bed very sick, while my mom and sister took care of Leila. Still recovering from being sick - made it back home for the weekend, and am planning to leave tomorrow morning for a 10 hour road trip to another funeral. My husband's 90 year old Grandmother passed away over the weekend. Between the emotional pain from loving loved ones, being sick, taking care of a sick baby, being away from my husband, and just not stopping for 2 weeks I am tired. I am drained.

After the long 2 weeks we had - my homebody self was not looking forward to getting up yesterday morning for church. As our alarms were going off I knew my husband and I were both thinking the same thing...we should just stay in bed and relax because were gonna have a busy week ahead. In the end we got up and went to church. We have been attending Harvest Bible Chapel in Rockford, IL since January of this year. After living here for 2 years and trying several churches, we are happy to call Harvest our home.

Anyway, during worship I felt the holy spirit completely come over me and refresh my spirit. I needed to be fed and revived from my tough couple weeks. I needed a renewal leading into the next week. The worship band sang the song "Oceans (Where Feet Mail Fail)" by Hillsong United. 

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

The bolded verses I worshiped with my whole heart. I was completely aware of what I am asking of God. I am asking for him to take me deeper and stretch me to make my faith stronger! So even as I blog I am listening to this song on repeat, it is my theme song for the week ahead. I am going to be continued to be stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone, but I am asking for it now because I want to be made stronger in the presence of my Savior!!!

my first post

Confession: I have previously had negative feelings towards blogs and bloggers.

I have wondered - who do these people think they are? Why do they think what they have to say is so important. But for some reason (not sure why) I started to have a change of heart. I started researching why people start blogs or why I should start a blog. Read several articles titled like "Top 10 Reasons to Start a Blog" and "15 Reasons I Think You Should Blog" etc. And wala! change of heart - I understand people's reasoning behind blogs. I have a new found appreciation for bloggers. So I have come up with my top 5 reasons to start a blog.

1. I have thoughts.

I have thoughts about life. Life as a Woman of God. Life as a wife. Life as a Mom. etc. I know my thoughts and wisdom may not be important to everyone, but I have realized my thoughts and wisdom may be helpful to someone I haven't met yet. This is the perfect venue.

2. It with improve my writing.

I have written in several journals and usually when I go back and look at my entries its a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" - unreadable to me even. I would love for my thoughts and journal entries to be readable by my daughter and future children. I would like to leave them something behind with my thoughts and struggles in a readable format. I can't blog "mumbo jumbo"... I would be laughed at. So here is to improving my writing skills! Please be patient.

3. I will become a better thinker.

My husband and I laugh about topics we study and analyze. He is a pure intellectual - his thoughts usually go above my head, but he brings it back to my level. I study and analyze relationships and people.  Nathan informed me early on in our relationship that most of my conversations with my Mom are about people. We aren't talking bad or spreading gossip, but we are constantly thinking about our family and friends. We wonder why that happened, what is going in their, heads, what we think they should have said in that moment, how impressed we are with how they handled that issue, etc. I study people - I think about why people do what they do. What is their motive behind actions. I like to think my thoughts are good-natured, but lets be real I'm a born sinner. I'm hoping blogging and forming my thoughts into words will increase my thinking ability and open my eyes and convict me of my human flaws.

4. I will meet new people.

I live 3 hours away from my family. I am NOT an out going person. I am a Stay-at-Home-Mom. I am introvert. Its hard for me to meet friends. I Facebook and Instagram, but I'm hoping this opens the door to meeting new like minded friends.

5. It will push me out of routine.

I am HOPING this will help be live more a disciplined life. I am not setting high expectations for myself, but I want to keep my self accountable. I would hate to start a blog and post once and then never again. Nathan suggested disciplining myself to at least 1 post every 2 weeks and improve from there. Sometimes life gets mundane. As a stay at home mom living away from family it can really get you down. This my attempt to change that routine.

5 1/2. Let my fun begin.